email etiquette: writing kind emails while screaming evil subtext

It happens to all of us, it could be a coworker, a school related problem or just customer service for the cable company; you have a problem, and you need to write a professional email to ask them to do something, fix something or give you some information. Suddenly you find yourself screaming at the computer screen, pointing, gesturing, or perhaps punching the monitor to make yourself feel better.   Do ya feel better?!! Hells no, but that’s why you write kindly, but think evil-ly (did I just make a new fun word?).  Let’s try it together.

What you write: Dear (insert coworker, classmate, teacher, sir, or madam)

What you think: Hello A-hole, F-face, Dumbass, or Scumsucking Pig!

It has come to my attention that I need the following information from you.

It kills to me to have to write this email because I would rather stab myself in the eye with a fork before asking your stupid ass for anything.

I know you have been busy;

you pretend to be busy even though there is nothing on your calendar, you lazy SOB.

but I need to know if you have followed up on this issue with the customer, my account etc;

do you even remember how to send an email or make a phone call m-f-er?

I know there was some confusion on whether the customer has the correct information to pay the invoice;

you sent the last invoice to the wrong email you stupid fuck if you even bothered to send it because you won’t copy me on any emails even though I have asked you 200 times jackass.

I would really love to get this resolved

I have a shit-ton of work to do, not that you would understand work you lazy FUCK! so I can get it off my plate I am tired of chasing your dumb ass!

Can you please let me know that status of this situation?

Get off your lazy ass and call the customer you turd. Let me know asap if there is any action required on my part I would rather have a thousand white hot burning knives plunged deep into my ass crack than lift a finger to help you with anything you jerk off.

(Sent with high importance!)

(I know you don’t give a shit, but let’s both pretend that you do!)

Regards,

DIE DIE DIE you rat bastard,

In case you want to leave your inner sociopath inside, try these alternative options to write a professional email but still get your point across.

https://hbr.org/2023/11/how-to-respond-to-an-upsetting-email

https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2023/11/01/work-email-etiquette-guide/

Tell me about your lazy co-worker, bad teacher, rotten company that you have had to deal with or some other person in your life that takes advantage of your kindness, and how you would love to write the “evil subtext email” instead of the proper professional email that society forces you to write.  For just a few minutes, let your inner sociopath enjoy the evil pleasure of writing what you are really thinking.  Of course, if you decide to write the evil email make sure you haven’t hit reply, leave the “to” blank or send it to a friend or co-worker you can trust first.

https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/how-to-write-angry-email-professionally

https://www.inc.com/elizabeth-danziger/how-to-avoid-writing-toxic-emails-that-put-your-employees-down.html

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/when-how-write-fk-you-very-much-email-work-shanna-b-tiayon-phd/