happy to be alone but sad

I was thinking this week about happiness and sadness. Emotions that are opposite on the feelings scale, can you be both at the same time?  My socio soul is always happy to be alone.  As an introverted socio, I recharge by spending time alone doing what I like to do, reading, thinking, listening to music, doing little projects or watching TV.

While I am usually always happy to be alone, I find myself sad in spite of my aloneness.  It is a great sadness. I think many people get over their great sadnesses by spending time with others. As a socio, I don’t know how to get over my great sadness. 

Let’s talk about sadness.  Many things make people sad. I think people make other people sad.  Sometimes it’s on purpose, in a hurtful way. Sometimes it’s by accident, in a less purposeful way. Sometimes it’s by leaving. 

Leaving. There are lots of songs that talk about leaving. Most of the songs about leaving are about breakups. Have you ever had a breakup where you listen to the same song over and over?  Does it make you feel better? I tend to think it makes me feel worse. Ever notice that when you are going through something, every song is a painful reminder of what you are going through.  Wow, that’s exactly how I feel, I think when listening to a sad song.  How did they know?  They were probably going through “something” when they wrote the song.  

There is a song right now, it was written in 1975, but it feels like it was written for my great sadness. I play it over and over again. I can’t decide if it makes me feel better or worse. Sometimes when I am listening to it, I don’t realize it right away, but I find myself crying. My face is wet, my eyes are burning, my socio soul is hurting.  It’s not a sad song; I think it was written for a breakup. It talks about someone leaving, as in a breakup.  Sometimes people leave, not on purpose and it’s forever, as in my great sadness.

“If you feel like leaving, you know you can go. But why don’t you stay until tomorrow? And if you wanna be free, you know. All you got to do is say so…..”

I want to change the lyrics. I want to say “No you can’t go! I need you! I wasn’t done with you. We had more things to do, time to spend, laughs to have, secrets to tell. “  If only changing the lyrics would change the leaving, stop the leaving, stop the great sadness. Ah Hall and Oates, you wrote the song for me, and you didn’t even know it.

So I stay sad, for now.  Going through the motions, wake, eat, work, think, cry, sleep,  exist. Wishing things were different, listening to my song, trying to push the great sadness away.

“When I feel cold, you warm me. And when I feel I can’t go on, you come and hold me.  It’s you and me, forever….”