the don’t touch me olympics

As a self-proclaimed socio, I don’t need or want a lot of contact. I get to decide who can touch me. Handshakes, hugs, massages are not my thing.  When I do meet people, I don’t like to be touched. Covid was tough in so many ways but there were a few things about Covid that I did not mind.  No handshakes, no hugging, people standing 6 feet away from me at all times, yes please! (Can we do that now?) I miss being legally required to stay away from people. I know that no large gatherings were tough on a lot of companies, even whole industries. It was a joy for me. I was a happy socio. 

I have a cousin, I won’t name them, but they know who they are. They cannot stop touching people.  Everyone, anyone, has to be hugged by them to the point of not being able to breathe.  They squeeze you so tight, you might pass out, you might puke, it’s  not good. I have used every excuse I can think of to not have this cousin touch me. It works most of the time, sometimes I have to be a bit creative……..Time to play the don’t touch me Olympics!

Let me set the scene. A few years back we had a funeral to go to. Funerals are stressful anyway but just seeing my “can’t help but touch you” cousin made my stress level go from 5 to 500.  Let the games begin!

Game#1 Pretend like you don’t see them:

I parked behind “touchy cousin”  and realized just in time to not get out of the car too soon. Suddenly I needed to find something in my purse!  Head down, searching frantically, where was that thing? I could not find it. Hmmm, maybe in this pocket, nope not there either!  I knew it would never be found until the touchy cousin was gone. Oh wait, they are gone. I could leave my car. Thanks God! Here I go. Pause, look for cars, cross the street…. Crap! Too soon!  “Touchy cousin” was waiting across the street. Damn, TC 1, Socio 0.

After crossing the street, the next game begins with no warning. A good socio is always ready to play in an instant.

Game#2 Pretend like you have a cold:

Touchy cousin leans in to give me a hug. I jump back ready to win this one.  “I have a cold, don’t hug me”, I say with my hands raised like two stop signs to block their grasp. I try to look a little sickly for effect. Touchy cousin frowns but decides not to hug me. Yesssss!  I win this one. TC 1, Socio 1.

There is no break. The next game begins immediately.

Game#3 Musical Pews:

We walk into the church, and I think I am safe, finally. But no, not quite.  Touchy cousin’s sibling is there. Great!  Touchy cousin will probably go sit with their sibling. It makes sense because touchy cousin is with their mom.  The sibling goes to the front to sit with family. I go to the back because (obviously) I’m a socio avoiding people. Touchy cousin looks around and decides to sit next to me.  Son-of-a-biscuit! (Church, no naughty words) I guess I lose this one.  TC 2, Socio 1

The service begins and for most people, that means you stop talking and listen. It’s a Catholic service; the church is beautiful with all the stained glass; I relax into the pleasure of no more small talk with touchy cousin. Hahaha. Did you fall for that?  I did for about 3 shakes of holy water. Touchy cousin continued to chit chat during the service. I just couldn’t listen anymore.

Game#4 Will you please shut the F up:

Oh no, touchy cousin is not only too touchy, but too mouthy.  Talking on and on about their life, kids, job, just more verbal vomit about stuff that I do not want to hear.  Maybe touchy cousin can’t hear the service, maybe touchy cousin forgot where we are at, maybe…. Hells no, touchy cousin is just ignorant.  STOP TALKING NOW! Shut up!  The service has begun. I can’t listen to you anymore. I go in swiftly,  “Touchy (and now mouthy) cousin please be quiet so I can listen to the service!”   TC2, Socio 2

At this point with all the games, I am overstimulated!  I feel like a cat, on the edge of my seat, tail twitching, wanting to run away and hide. I thought I was in the clear. Smooth sailing, almost over, but no I was so, so wrong. It could not get worse, could it? The answer is YES, so much worse. And it did.

PAUSE

Let me recap here. I am at a funeral. I have tried to avoid an unpleasant human, lost, avoid a hug from said unpleasant human, won, avoid the same unpleasant human sitting next to me, lost, and avoid boring conversation with yet again that same unpleasant human, won. We are tied, 2 to 2. What more could happen, except, more touching.

Game#5 Duck and Move:

All of a sudden, I feel a hand on my neck. Creepy, clammy, unwanted hand massaging (yup, can you believe it?) touchy cousin’s hand on my neck. Now let me be perfectly clear here, I was sad for the family of the person who had passed, but I was not distraught.  I was not sniffling, crying, or weeping uncontrollably that I needed to be consoled. I did not need to be touched, talked to or massaged at all. I was fine, good. Well not good, but fine really all things considered. What possessed touchy cousin to start touching me again was a complete mystery to me.

My socio brain was melting down. I was having a BIG TIME FIGHT OR FLIGHT reaction, but I couldn’t just jump up and run out of the church. Oh, I wanted to, but I didn’t. My saving Grace, perfect for being in a church was that in a Catholic service there is a lot of (what I call) stand up, sit down, kneel, sing, repeat.  I feel like everyone knows when to do each, but I don’t, but at the same time I am fascinated by it.  (Weirdly so, I must admit.) My escape plan quickly became that every time we stood up and sat down, I moved a few inches away from touchy cousin. Picture this, stand up, sing, sit down (scoot away), kneel, pray, sit down (scoot away), stand up, say Amen, sit down (scoot away some more).  Soon I was so far away from touchy cousin, I was out of reach from the creepy, unwanted assault on my neck. The further I scooted, the happier I was. (Well not that happy cause it was a funeral.) I had won the Don’t Touch Me Olympics!  (No gold medal needed)

FINAL SCORE TC 2, Socio 3