the no fathers club

I belong to a club against my will.  It’s called the No Fathers Club. To be a member you can’t be a father and you can’t have a father.  Yes, I know that technically everyone has a father, you can’t be a born without having a father, but in my case, and for many others, my father is gone. My dad passed away 40+ years ago, for others it might be the same, their father is dead or for some, their father is a deadbeat. 

It’s not a fun club. We don’t do fun stuff or go on fun trips.  We usually feel sad on Father’s Day.  Sometimes when we see people being mean to their fathers who aren’t dead or deadbeats, we get mad. I think the rest of the world never thinks about those of us who are patriarchally challenged. Ha, I think I created a new phrase.

My children are patriarchally challenged.  Yes, of course they have a father, had a father, not sure which one applies.  I think their father is still breathing and walking around somewhere, but in reality, I am not sure. We have no contact. For a socio like me, it is a perfect never-spoken about arrangement. We parted, we never speak, we never see each other, it works.  I call him the sperm donor or “he who shall not be named. “  For my kids, it didn’t really work, and it just makes me sad for them.

When my kids were young, they each had their own way of processing the lack of a patriarchal influence. My youngest was barely a few months old and boom, no dad.  That was his choice mostly.  By the time the youngest was old enough to realize they had no dad, it didn’t matter anymore. Deadbeat dad was living his best life or so he thought and my youngest was making up wild stories about him.  It was quite funny, but not.  I mostly felt sad for them.  But I did admire their creativity.

When my youngest was in preschool, they had an art project at the end of the school year, to make a gift for Father’s Day for their dad. My youngest, who was a funny little bird, told the teacher that they had no dad. They did not want to do the project for a dad. The teacher suggested an uncle or other male role model.  What?  Who?  What about other families who did not have a male in their household? Someone with a deceased parent (like I was many years ago), maybe some kids had 2 mommies, this teacher was not very progressive.  We finally decided that the Father’s Day present was going to me. (Of course I could use a paper tie, who didn’t want one of those?)  After all, the role of Father was being played by me every day and had been for years. To this day my kids still wish me Happy Father’s Day.

My favorite story from my youngest was a few years later. They were still the funny kid who knew how to make me laugh.  Yet another, let’s say nosy, teacher in kindergarten decided to do a Father’s Day art project and my child decided they didn’t want to do it.  This time, the youngest said, their father lived very far away, in Alaska.  Hahaha, if only, I thought! No, he wasn’t quite that far away. As a matter of fact, I told the teacher, he lived about a mile away in the next suburb. (Remember DEADBEAT Dad here!) While I appreciated the humor of it and my child’s wild imagination, it was still kind of sad.

We don’t talk much about fathers these days, except on Father’s Day, when my kids wish me a happy one. When I think about it,  I wish things could have been different for me, my kids and anyone else who is part of this club, against their will.