blacken your christmas

You know how this time of year people are like “Happy Holidays!”, “Merry Christmas!”, “Happy New Year!”? Well what if, in true socio fashion, you have someone you know (but don’t like) and you don’t wish them anything happy or merry?  What do you say to them?  Nothing?  Unhappy Christmas? Merry Christmas to everyone but you?  F*ck off? I know that we live in a world where it’s unpopular to be negative for fear of being cancelled or called a Karen, but how can I express my thoughts about someone that I don’t wish to be happy, jolly, merry or even alive?  Let’s think about this. And by think I really mean, go off on a random tangent….about UNHAPPY things.

When my kids were little, they loved Happy Meals. Driving to McDonald’s, getting the Happy Meal, nuggs, fries, soda and a little toy. Oh how great it was to be a kid, still is kids, make sure you enjoy it. Anyway, sometimes my good little kids were bad little kids. Oh the horror! I know it’s hard to believe. They kind of took turns being bad and on most days (thankfully) there was only one bad kid per day. I have four kids so I was lucky that it was a rare occasion when all four were bad at the same time.  When one was bad and the rest were good, we still had to eat,(even the bad one) sometimes on the go. Someone would say let’s get McDonald’s and away we went. Get in the car, strap in and grab a bite before going to the next soccer, baseball or dance practice, depending on the day. That is how the idea of the UN-Happy Meal was invented!

To be honest, I really didn’t invent anything. The meal existed; it still does. I guess I just renamed it, LOL. The food was the same,  the drink was the same, the toy was the same, but if you were the bad kid you didn’t get the toy!  I would remove the toy and call it the UN-Happy Meal.  It pushed every panic button in my kids’ brains.  The one who got the dreaded UN-Happy Meal lost their mind.  To the tortured one, it wasn’t the same meal.  The nuggs tasted bad, the fries were cold, the drink was watered down and the toy, OMG, it wasn’t there!    The other children (at this point known as the innocent ones) would do nothing but talk about how good their HAPPY MEALS were. The juicy delicious nuggs, the warm crispy fries, the perfect soda and the “best toy they ever got, really, really mom! “  It was family street justice. I didn’t have to ask for help with the punishment; the other little perfect angels were ready to beat that bad kid down.  Hahaha, such good little helpers. I was the warden and they all became the abusive prison guards. Enjoy your time being blessed. It would not last long.

Back to the holidays and not wishing everyone a happy one. Is there a way to wish someone a bad holiday?  Hope your turkey burns!  Santa’s skipping your house for sure!  You’re getting  coal in your stocking! Hope someone leaves dog sh*t under the tree! All good options, I have to say but not really my style. Pause for a moment here. Let me assure you, I have no intention of sending anyone a bad present. I think most of the mischief that I consider is really only wishful thinking on my part.  

Sometimes, I think everyone is kind and nice and I am the only person in the universe with the dark thoughts and black wishes.  I know that’s not true. We all have moments when we are not being good humans.  Ironically it is “human nature” to think bad things about other humans.  Haha, I love that thought.  I think the difference between me and most other humans is that I express my evil thoughts.  That’s the joy of being a little bit socio at all times. Try it sometime. You might like it. It is very liberating. Just a little bit of exploring what could happen to bad people might make you smile.

Anyway, while exploring the thought of a Not-Merry Christmas, an Un-happy New Year, or Seasons Beatings, I found a little song that expresses some of these thoughts about not wishing everyone a lovely life. It’s an odd little song from the 1970s called  “Still There’ll Be More” by Procol Harum:

I’ll blacken your Christmas
And piss on your door
You’ll cry out for mercy
Still, there’ll be more

I found it kind of funny in a very disturbing socio way.  I didn’t love, love it but I also did not hate it.  After much thought and little deep dive into how to not offend anyone by not wishing them happy happy, joy joy, merry merry anything I decided on this one:

Dear Everyone, I hope you have the holiday you deserve!

Warning- (If you are one of my kids on a bad day, you might be getting bad nuggs, burnt turkey, and the faint smell of urine on your front door.)