no more birthdays

Today is my sister’s birthday. She’s dead so there won’t be a party. No cake. No candles. No balloons. There won’t be a phone call, text or card sent. Not today, not next year or the year after that. I tried to think of how to spend my day not thinking about her missing her birthday, it was impossible.

I decided to think about various quotes about death that are funny or ironic or famous.  I tried to think about some that would make me laugh, feel better or fight the big feelings (I hate big feelings) that I was having today.  It didn’t work.

“Live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse.” William Motley

 Well, I guess this sounds fun in a very basic way. I don’t think that she lived fast.  I do think that she died young. And the beautiful corpse thing, she always had beautiful toes. She wore heels to the grocery store. Had her nails done and went fishing. Sizzle britches, that’s what one coworker called her. She was adorable in so many ways, even as a kid. Always posing for pics.  

“Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.” James Dean

He lived this way.  He also apparently died this way. Race car driver, rebel without a cause, he died at 24. She loved to drive fast. Road rage was her middle name. She got her first brand new car about a year before she died. It was the same car I wanted. It was the same color I wanted. I have that car now. I think of her when I drive it. We kind of drive it together in a weird way.

“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.” Oscar Wilde

I don’t know if I agree. I like the peace part. I’m glad she is at peace.

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”  Woody Allen

This one I can get behind. And giggle when I think of it. Knock me out. I don’t want to be there either.

I spent the day thinking, alone, at peace with my socio self.  Thinking about her, what she would have been doing today on her birthday. I sent her a message. She’ll never get it in this life. I like to think she might get it wherever she is.

“Happy Birthday little sis! I was going to buy you a present, but then I remembered you’re dead and don’t need things. You’re welcome anyway.”  Your big sis.

PS-I miss you.