fake intimacy

Today is my birthday. YAY ME!  Before you think that I am looking for a bunch of  “Happy Birthday” wishes, thoughts and presents, let me stop you.  No thanks.  Keep those thoughts to yourself unless you truly know me.  I am not a fan of intimacy in general, but I am especially not fond of fake intimacy! If you don’t know me that well, let’s not pretend we care. I know that seems harsh, but to me, it’s just truthful. Don’t tell me your life story and I won’t tell you mine. You can try to tell me your deep dark secrets but please know this, if I really don’t know you, I probably really don’t care. Wait, let me edit that, I definitely don’t care so save your words and save me the time that I will never get back just listening to your useless words.

This is not new for me.  I think I was born this way, part socio, part don’t give a shit, part leave me alone, part don’t talk to me. I know that most people try to find common ground to get to know other people better. There are many ways to do this.  You find someone who likes dogs, cats, running, jazz or something as simple as cheese!  I am in the cheese lover category.  I do also like other things but that doesn’t mean  I want to spend time talking to you about it. Endless stories of your dog, nope, not that interesting. (Unless I already know you.) When you first meet me, I don’t need to know how your dog is so cute and he sleeps with you every night and what kind of food is his favorite and how he loves to kiss your face.  Gross, boring and stop talking right now.

Sometimes people try to find something similar to me, like they are divorced or the same religion or have been to the same country. Unfortunately someone else’s similarities are not necessarily a reason that I am going to love them on the spot and want to hear every detail.  If I had a nickel for every time someone heard my last name, which is a very common Jewish name, the next thing out of their mouth is “do you know Mary (same last name as mine) in some random city that I do not live in.  Sometimes I want to scream, “REALLY? WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT I KNOW THAT RANDOM PERSON IN THAT RANDOM CITY SIMPLY BECAUSE WE HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME? F’ ALL!”  I think the odds are better for me to win the lottery or get struck by lightning. Think about that for a minute. Yeah, so dumb.

One time, when someone found out I was Jewish, they started going down the rabbit hole or maybe the gefilte fish hole (a little Jewish humor there) naming every person they knew who lived in any of the suburbs anywhere around the city I live in, who was also Jewish asking if I knew them.  Let me pause while you ponder, this kind of crazy. No, I don’t know her, no, not that family, no, I don’t go to that temple, no, never been to that random suburb. It went on and on. Externally I smiled slightly, internally I was already digging the hole I was going to bury her body in after the murder.

So I guess the moral of this blog is that trying to fast track a relationship, friendship or any kind of intimacy with someone, especially an introverted socio person like me or others out there is not fast, not quick, not fake and should not be rushed.  We may be a little difficult to get to know but once you get to know us, we will listen to all your deep dark secrets, pretending to be interested, even if we are not, cause we care.  No matter how long, dull or unbelievable your trauma dump may be, you’ll never know what we are thinking. And of course if you see me smile it’s not because I am internally at Walmart shopping for a shovel, blue tarp, and zip ties. No, really, I swear that’s not why I’m smiling. Please go on, your story is very, very compelling.  I’m all in.